Cius Versus Alcohol
by Holyknightsteve
Summary: One night, early in the SO1 quest, Cius and friends decide to hit up a bar for some fun. What happens next is anyone's guess! Fun read even if you've never played SO1! (one-shot)


A/N: Ah, yet another of my "shoulda been working but was instead thinking" works of fiction. I recently had the pleasure of getting to play the original Star Ocean for SNES. I'm ten hours into it so far and I'm loving every second of it. During the course of my travels, I met an interesting fellow named Cius, the mighty Highlander swordsman. His hobbies include busting heads and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. For whatever twisted reason, I've decided, "Hey, maybe a short, humorous fic about Cius will be, uhh… humorous." Ahem. Anyway, early on in the adventure in the town of Tataroy, out heroes, Ratix, Iria, and Cius, decided to have a little fun at night. Unfortunately (for Iria and Ratix anyway), the first place offering entertainment of ANY sort that Cius spotted was a bar. What happens from there is anyone's guess!

This is my first attempt at humor, so try to cut me a little slack. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this!

Stupid Disclaimer: Blah. I'm sure you know this already, but Star Ocean and all characters/places/etc. associated with said game are owned by Enix (well, SquareEnix now, I guess) and not by me. Damn shame.

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**_Cius Versus Alcohol_**

It was early evening in the town of Tataroy and, as always, was busy with people milling about the streets, most just trying to make their ways from Point A to Point B or Point M, depending on whether or not they stumbled out of a bar sometime during the trip to the ever-elusive Point B. On this particular night, a group of three young but very talented adventurers were out on the town, trying to find someplace where they could kick back and enjoy some form or another of entertainment. Unfortunately for them, most of the spots that interested them were either already filled to capacity or had costs tied to it that served only as a turn-off to our intrepid heroes.

Just as their hope for finding a decent place to relax was almost exhausted, the largest man of the three stopped and looked at the sign just to the left side of a nearby door. The sign said "Bar", written in red paint and very large print. This, of course, was a very clever marketing ploy for the owned of said bar. He figured, with a sign like this, not even a blind and mentally-deficient monkey would have trouble with finding this place.

The large man lowered his head slightly and brought his hand to his chin. His large, tiger-striped tail swept along the pavement of the street as he began to ponder the words of the sign. "Bar… bar… bar… hmm…" To him, the word was fascinating, perhaps even mystic. He rolled it over in his head over and over again, as if he were trying to digest the information with his brain. "Bar… Bar…"

His two companions turned around only when they realized that their trip down the street had become eerily quiet and peaceful. The young, well-muscled blonde-haired woman spoke first. "Cius, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Next came his other companion, a young man of almost twenty years of age with both strangely blue hair and a perhaps even stranger feline's tail sticking out of his posterior. "Cius? Cius?"

The large highlander closed his eyes and began to tap his foot still trying to digest this one word. "Bar… bar… bar?" A light bulb shone over the head of Cius as he finally realized that he had a great idea. "Bar! Hey guys, it's a bar! Let's go in there!"

The boy with the cat's tail, Ratix, could only shake his head in disappointment. "Again? Don't you remember what happened the last time we went to a bar?"

The blonde woman, Iria, seemed to shrink when she heard Cius mention the word 'bar'. "Ugh, honestly Cius. Didn't you get enough last time? You made us all look like idiots last time!"

Without turning back to his companions, Cius said, "No harm no foul if you don't remember what happened." He pushed through the swinging doors of the bar and immediately began to order drinks.

The young man and woman could only shake their heads. Whether they liked it or not, they would have to go in there and keep an eye on him. They had considered leaving him behind in the past, but after far more than proving himself in battle, he just seemed to be too valuable of a companion to abandon.

Ratix scratched his, unsure of what to do. "So… do we follow him?"

Iria lightly smacked her own face in disgust. "Ugh. I guess we have no choice. _Somebody_ has to keep an eye on him. Might as well be us." She sighed and straightened herself, brushing aside some hair that had fallen in front of her face as she did so. "Let's get this over with."

Ratix nodded. "Agreed. We really need to try getting to bed at a decent hour for a change."

The companions in agreement of their course of action, they too proceeded into the bar via the swinging doors. A quick look around the bar suggested that it had been a slow night thus far. Looking at the bartender, one could easily see that he was concerned about the mere presence of such a powerful Highlander in his bar. Sure, Cius would buy a lot of drinks, but what sort of damage would he cause to the bar and/or its patrons as he continued to drink? Only time would tell, it seemed.

Cius was already downing his first mug of cheap ale when he noticed that his companions had walked into the bar. "Ah, Ratix! Iria! Come, sit with yer ol' pal Cius!"

Hesitantly, the two slowly made their way over to the table where they each took a seat and huddled around the table along with Cius. "Cius, please try to control yourself tonight," said Iria. "I love a good drink every now and then, but this has just been ridiculous lately."

The grin on Cius' face could not have been any wider if he tried. " Of course, of course! You won't get a single bit of trouble outta me tonight, that's fer sure!" His mighty laugh that followed shook the very nerves of everyone in the bar and all eyes turned to the heroes' table.

"Guh," groaned Ratix as he slowly began to sink down into his seat. "Why us?"

"Huh?" asked Cius. "Well, whatever. Let's have a little fun!" He planted his massive sword into the wooden floor just to the right of his seat, sending a small number of splinters flying this way and that. "Bartender, a round for me and my friends!"

The bartender brought his hands to his face. He now had an idea of what kind of night this was going to be. "M-my floor…"

**_Hour 1_**

"Woo! This is good stuff!" yelled Cius as he downed yet another mug of cheap ale.

Ratix looked up from the table with a weary look in his eyes. He had only drunk two mugs of booze so far but was already beginning to feel the side-effects. His vision beginning to blur, he had been laying his head down to try and regain his focus. "Bleh, I don't feel too good."

Feeling not too much better than Ratix, Iria set down a half-empty glass on their table and shook her head. "Ditto. Have you had enough yet, Cius? We can't be out all night, you know."

"Psh. Nonsense!" yelled Cius as he let loose with yet another of his hearty laughs. "Bartender! Another round and make it snappy!" He pounded his fist on the one chair at the table that was unused and, unfortunately for the poor bartender, it splintered into pieces under the incredible might of the Highlander.

All Ratix and Iria could do was sigh. "Here we go again," they both said in unison.

Meanwhile, the other patrons in the bar could have sworn they saw the bartender begin to sob as he mumbled, "M-my chair…" to himself.

**_Hour 2_**

"Hey there, young feller!" yelled Cius. "Did I ever tell you about my buddy, Ratix? Whew, the boy could stand to put a little muscle on himself, don'cha think?"

Ratix blinked several times at Cius. "I _am_ Ratix, Cius."

Cius downed the rest of his glass and began waving it in front of his companion. "Whoa, easy there buddy. Is he a friend of yours? If you woulda just let me finish…"

Ratix sighed. There seemed to be no getting through to Cius, no matter how hard he tried. He figured that it would probably be best from now on to, more or less, go along with what Cius was saying in hopes that he would soon end his drinking binge. "Excuse me sir. Please go on."

Cius nodded and waved over the bartender. "Right, so as I was saying, this Ratix kid could stand to bulk up a little. You know him, right? Eh?"

Ratix rolled his eyes. "You could say that."

The bartender began to refill Cius' glass once again as he continued. "But don't get me wrong. He's a good kid, that Ratix. Got a good spirit and mind, y'know? Just by looking at him, I could tell from the beginning that he destined for many greater things. I guess that's why I wanted to join up with him in the first place."

Iria couldn't help but smile. That was one of the nicest things that he ever said. Maybe there was more to this behemoth of a man besides his love of alcohol and kicking the crap out of wimpy bunnies and thieves.  
"Wow Ci-… I mean mister. Maybe you should tell that to this 'Ratix' kid when you seem him again."

Cius looked over at her and flashed a warm smile at her. "I think I will. Thanks for the advice, miss." He turned back to Ratix and continued on. "But man, I'll tell you what… we're traveling around with this one girl named Iria, right?"

Ratix grinned over at Iria, thinking that now was her time for a big compliment. "Oh? Go on."

"Woo, man, lemme tell you something, that girl is something else!" exclaimed Cius. "For starters, she's got this really nice a-"

**_Glass Shatter Noise!_**

Iria threw the only piece that remained of her mug, the handle, to the side after she had finished bashing Cius in the head with it. "Pervert!"

Sobbing, the bartender could do naught as he downed another shot of whiskey. "M-my mug…"

**_Hour 3_**

"Hey bartender!" yelled Cius. "Bring us another round of-… wait a sec." He reached deep into his pockets, looking for any money that he could find. "Aww crap, I'm out of money! No money, no booze!"

Ratix breathed a sigh of relief. "Now that's a shame. I guess we'll have to go back to the inn now, huh?"

Iria nodded, similarly relieved. "Pity. Just when I was beginning to have fun, too."

Cius grinned, his head tilting back and forth as a short spell of dizziness took over him. "Really now? Have no fear then, my friends! I'll get us some money!"

Realizing what they had just said, Ratix and Iria wildly waved their hands at Cius. "No, really, it's okay Cius!" said Ratix as he desperately tried to get Cius to stop. "It's not-"

"Hey, you!" yelled Cius to four men sitting at a table in the dark corner of the room. "Yeah, you wimps in the corner!"

All four of the dubious-looking men sitting at the table looked at the loud-mouthed Highlander. "Hey, you talking to us?"

Cius stood up quickly, knocking over his chair in the process. His tail whipped violently from side to side as he crossed his arms. "Yeah, what about it, punk?"

All four men stood up, brandishing knives as they did so. "We're gonna mess you up, fool! Get 'im!" They charged at the Highlander, fully intent on killing him.

**_13 seconds later…_**

Cius dusted off his hands and kneeled down next to the unconscious bodies of the four men. "Piece of cake! Now let's see here…" He quickly patted down the men, prepared to take any and all valuables that he could find. "Ah ha! Look at all this money! Now I can do all the drinking I want! Bartender! Another round, please!"

The bartender, still sobbing, shook a small bottle of pills, swallowed what came out, and downed another shot of whiskey. "M-my patrons…"

**_Hour 4_**

"…so then the priest's daughter says to the hobo, "That's not a goat!"…ha! Get it! Woo!" Cius downed yet another mug of the cheap ale that he seemed to be having so much fun with. "Ah, man, I kill me."

Iria shook her head. "A few things Cius. First off, that was the sixth time that you told us that joke. Sixth! Second, you keep screwing up the order of telling the joke. Hell, on the fourth time, the very first part you said was the punch line! Third, although the rest of the joke stays the same, proper ordering aside, the animal has changed every single time! That being said, I would like to point out that an avocado is _not_ and animal."

"…it isn't?" asked Cius, obviously confused.

She shook her head. "Huh… a kiwi then," said Cius.

Iria rolled her eyes. "I _sincerely_ hope that you mean the animal and not the fruit. Speaking of a lack of sense, I would like to bring up my last and best point: the damn joke, no matter how it is arranged, did not even make any sense!"

Cius grunted and downed another mug of ale. He felt genuinely discouraged. All he was trying to do was make his buddies laugh, but, apparently, all he kept doing was screwing up. "Hmph. You guys ain't any fun."

Everyone said nothing for a minute as they all sat and stared at the wooden table they had been sitting at for the past four hours it had been a long night so far and Iria and Ratix could only hope that Cius would finally give it up soon. They noticed Cius slowly sliding his mug across the table. Was this finally it? Was Cius _finally_ done? The two leaned forward as their eyes became fixed on Cius.

"So…" started Cius quietly. He looked up at his companions, a look of lost confidence on his face. "…did I ever tell you the one about the hobo, the priest's daughter, and the walnut?"

Ratix let his head bang against the table. "A walnut is not an animal, Cius."

Cius scratched his head and chuckled. "Oh, right, my bad. A cashew then."

The poor bartender was now face-down in an open-ended keg of the cheapest ale he had in stock. He raised his head momentarily to catch a short breath of air. He had taken all of the bad jokes that he could stand for one day, and it was giving him a terrible headache. "M-my ears…"

**_Hour 5_**

"Hey Ratix," said Cius as he nudged his friend in the shoulder. "You see that?"

Ratix tried to look in the area that Cius was looking at, but saw nothing significant. "See what?"

Cius nudged him again. "Her."

Ratix looked around. The only woman still in the bar now was Iria, and all she was doing was stirring the contents of the same half-empty mug she had from hours before. "Her? Where?"

Cius gave him a light slap on the back of the head. "Dummy, are you blind? _Her!_"

Ratix was still completely lost. He could not understand what  
Cius was getting at and it was starting to become annoying. "I still don't-"

"Bah!" exclaimed Cius as he stumbled out of his chair. "Watch and learn, my boy! Observe how _smooth_ I am with the ladies!" After a quick laugh, he began to stumble away from the table.

Iria sighed. "Y'know… if we went to bed now, we _might_ get four hours of sleep."

Ratix turned to her. "Oh? You think he'll be done soon?"

She shook her head. "Nah. I'm just saying."

"Ah." He shook his head and turned back to Cius who appeared to have his left arm wrapped around a plant in the corner.

"So, uh… you come here often, babe?" asked Cius of the plant. "I'm surprised. What's a nice and pretty girl like you doing in a dump like this?" He bared a toothy grin and began to slowly slide his right hand up the middle of the tree. "We could, uh, I dunno, go back to my place? Maybe have a few drinks? What do ya say?"

Iria shivered and finally downed the rest of her drink. "I'm _this_ close to ordering another drink."

Ratix smacked his own face. "Cius, that's a plant, man."

Cius turned to his friend and flashed the same grin as before. "Jealous?"

Now in a drunken stupor, the bartender only rolled around on the floor as he said, "M-my plant…"

**_Hour 6_**

At this point in the night, Iria and Ratix are now face down on the table, doing their best to catch a nap. With no one to talk to now, save for a seemingly suicidal bartender, he does nothing now but sip on another glass of ale as he leans back in his chair. Finishing off the glass, he sets it down on the table and knocks on the table twice.

"Hey, bartender," said Cius, a lot more quietly than usual.

The red-faced and wandering-eyed bartender peeked over his counter. "Y-yes?"

Cius gave him a nod. "Another drink, please."

The bartender sighed, nodded, and stood up. He turned to his back counter and began searching about for more ale. Strangely enough, he couldn't find anymore. He went to his back room and checked there as well. However, this search proved to be fruitless as well. "A-all gone?" He paused for a moment in his tracks. "All… gone?" He rolled the phrase around in his head as he stood motionless. He closed his eyes and focused on what seemed like such a mystic phrase now. "All the ale is… gone?"

The bartender opened his eyes and an absolutely large smile came to his face. It _was_ true! Cius had drank everything that the bartender had! This meant that Cius would have no choice but to leave now. "It's gone! It's all gone!" He immediately ran back to the counter and tapped on the counter to get Cius' attention. "Gone! It's all gone! You drank it all!"

Cius looked back at his empty mug, a bit disheartened. "Really? Damn. That sucks." He stood up, yawned, and stretched. "Well, I guess I better get going then." He was prepared to tell his companions that he was ready to leave when he finally noticed that they were already asleep. "Feh. Buncha lightweights." He slung one of his companions over each of his shoulders and walked out the door with them. "Well, that was fun, but we really should try to get some sleep. Honestly, you guys are nothing but trouble." He took a deep breath of the crisp night air and began to make his way back to the inn, carrying his friends all the while.

**_5 minutes later…_**

A small explosion erupted inside of the bar as an overly happy bartender emerged from the now burning bar. "It's over! It's over!" was all he kept yelling as he ran around in circles outside of his burning bar. Giggling maniacally, he nailed a sign with a single word on it onto the door: 'Closed' in large-print red letters that even a blind, mentally-deficient monkey could have seen. Satisfied with his handiwork, he ripped off his apron and shirt and ran into the shadows, his maddening laughter filling the night air as he did so.

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Verdict? Cius wins! Too bad for the bartender though.

So how was it? This was my first shot at humor, so I hope it didn't suck too badly. I know it's only a one-shot, but please please _please_ leave reviews! I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it!


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